


The Illusive Ham

by Delouest



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M, Pets
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-01
Updated: 2015-10-01
Packaged: 2018-04-24 05:38:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 746
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4907497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Delouest/pseuds/Delouest
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shepard brings her hamster out to the bridge, much to the crew's amusement.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Illusive Ham

**Author's Note:**

> Earlier this month my cat died, and I really wanted to write something about a pet to work through why we have them, why they are important to us. This is what I ended up with. Comments always welcome. Enjoy!

There was a lot of time to be had in space. Most of it was filled with meetings and discussions of strategy to fight the Collectors, the occasional flirting, and entirely too much paperwork. But every so often Shepard managed to sneak in some time to herself. Or in this case, time with her pet hamster.

She’d meant to name it something clever, something cute, but she’d never thought of anything good enough. The first week she brought it into her cabin, it hid in its tiny plastic tubing and she’d taken to calling it The Illusive Ham.

Shepard had brought her pet out to sit on her station by the softly glowing galaxy map. The cage was placed exactly over the screen she would need to receive messages, ensuring the she would not be able to get any. Members of the crew had come out of hiding from their quarters to take a look at him, excitedly chatting over the novelty of a pet out on display.

“Shepard,” EDI’s voice echoed throughout the chamber, making everyone jump (including The Illusive Ham, who dove for cover). “I have studied the data, and I do not understand the purpose of this small animal you have brought onto the Normandy. It uses resources while failing to provide any measurable service in return.”

“It serves a purpose,” Garrus said. when everyone looked to him to state the reason, he floundered. “Shepard doesn’t have to explain, she has her reasons,” was all he managed to get out.

“You’re just saying that because you want to get on the Commander’s good side,” Jacob said, nudging the Garrus with his shoulder. Everyone knows you’ve got the turian equivalent of the hots for h-” Jacob’s words were cut short when Garrus stepped on his foot.

“I don’t believe anyone was asking for your input, Taylor.”

Miranda blew hair from her face and rolled her eyes at the two before kneeling down to the table. “Forget those two,” she said, looking up to Shepard. “How can you pay them any attention when this little guy’s being so playful?” The hamster ran up to the side of the glass cage and rubbed his paws excitedly against the glass, burrowing into a sawdust pile in the corner. “Little fellow’s rather cute, isn’t he?”

“You would like it, wouldn’t you,” Jack said. “Got buck teeth just like yours.”

Miranda sneered.

“Exactly, just like that,” Jack cackled, pointing.

“I like it,” Grunt boomed, ignoring or oblivious to the fighting. “It’s got eyes like a Krogan.” He beamed down and the tiny ball of fluff. “I bet you could bite the claws off a varren if you wanted to, couldn’t you, big guy?”

“I know it’s cute and all, but I gotta say, I don’t trust it.” Jack eyed the small creature. “I feel likethe minute I take my eyes off it, it’ll get loose and sneak into my bed and taking over my stuff. Hamster poop everywhere. Ugh. Looks squirrely to me.”

“That is incorrect, Jack,” Mordin said. “While they are both rodents, hamsters such as the one Shepard keeps in her quarters belong to the subfamily Cricetinae while squirrels belong to Sciuridae. They are quite different.”

“And all of that is pretty much pointless information seeing as we’re on a spaceship nowhere near Earth, and half of us haven’t ever even seen a squirrel,” Garrus said.

“I’ve seen vids,” Tali chimed in. “Squirrels are the ones with the black and white striped tails that smell bad, right?”

“No that’s a chipmunk,” Garrus said with confidence he didn’t have, trying to show off to Shepard.

Miranda was about to cut in, her finger was poised to point out everyone’s error, but The Illusive Ham let out a tiny squeak and everyone stopped fighting for a moment to make “aww” sounds at him.

Throughout the whole exchange, Shepard said nothing. She smiled to herself as the bickering and cooing continued once again.

This was exactly why she picked the Illusive Ham up from the Citadel. People needed a break, needed something simple to entertain themselves and take their minds off the Collector threat occasionally.

Shepard lazily sorted through a few coordinates on the screen in front of her, plotting their next destination. She watched from the corner of her eye as her hamster did a happy lap around his cage and her companions cheered him on. She plotted a course to do a few laps around the galaxy herself. 


End file.
